… because if you let it, it will.
We are more than our illnesses.
That can be difficult to believe, especially when we are in the very depths of our struggles or even when we are struggling just a little bit. The light at the end of the tunnel can seem so far and the motivation to continue can wane.
That’s kinda where I am.
The past week for me has been less than ideal. My behaviours are a far cry from what you might associate with a healthy person. My disordered decisions (weighing self more often, restricting meal portions etc) have slowly edged their way into my routine again.
It is one thing to acknowledge the return of behaviours and quite another to stop it.
This post is about dreams, though.
And yes, I have dreams.
Dreams and hopes, places I want to go, things I want to do.
There’s no use being vague here though, you have to visualise it, you have to see how you’re going to get there and what it’s going to be like once you do.
I then think about how realistic my hopes are if I continue to follow through with ‘anorexia’s plans’. How will that pan out? Can the two co-exist?
No. No. No.
You can’t do much with an illness, such as an eating disorder. It basically ruins everything.
Since developing this illness, I have had moments of clarity (which have lasted months) where I was able to gain a view of life without this illness.
I’ve travelled, I’ve taught abroad, I’ve even completed a degree.
I’ve also been hospitalised, I had to stay a year behind in education and watch my classmates go to university without me, I made it to university myself, yes, but was extremely close to dropping out in my second year, I’ve lost friends, I’ve spent days paralysed by misery in bed, I’ve dragged myself through the years, I’ve fought and fought to get further help- to no avail.
It’s not been easy.
And at twenty-one, I don’t want to spend the remaining years of my twenties like that. That’s not living. That’s just shit.
Looking ahead, I know there are things I want to do. And I’m willing to bet it’s the same for you, whoever you might be, whatever it is you struggle with.
Look ahead to where you want to be, to change where you are presently.
What are your goals? Dreams? Hopes?
Where could you be in a year, in five years, if you recovered?