I need to hold myself accountable for my actions and I am therefore committing myself to a series of (minimum) daily posts on my progress to a healthy weight.
So, what’s the situation?
- I have anorexia and am currently underweight.
- I want to get better.
- I have been trying to ‘recover’ since my diagnosis back in 2011.
What these posts won’t be about:
- Numbers. I won’t be posting my weight or my exact intake. That shit isn’t helpful, seriously.
- The whole ‘woe is me’ and watch me continue to lose weight. Nah.
What will be involved:
- A frank and open documentation of my journey.
- Acknowledgement of my successes.
- Encouragement for all going through the same thing.
Preliminary thoughts and notices
I have been struggling with this illness for over five years and during that time my weight has only ever got to the very minimum healthy weight (BMI 18.5). My weight has been down more than up and upon reflection I am very much either in full recovery mode or in relapse. And I think this has been down to the fact that my weight has never been high enough.
There has been plenty of research into how those who have gained and maintain
ed their weight at a BMI 22+ are less likely to relapse. Ideally, that’s where I want to be. In recovery from an eating disorder, I think sufferers get to a place where they are just sick of being sick.
It’s draining. It’s miserable. And it’s bloody boring.
I want to change and I want to let this go.
I am 21 years old now.
And the fact that I haven’t been able to even reach a reasonable weight is evidence of the grip anorexia still has on me. It’s not right. More than anything, though, is the need to move on and the need to grow.
I’ve named these series of posts Operation: Gain. This isn’t about shoveling food in my mouth and watching the number on the scale jump up though. This is about gaining in all aspects of my life, I will gain knowledge on how to manage emotionally this change, I will gain insight into this process, I will gain wisdom, I will gain for my future, my potential, my family. I will gain in every possible regard.
I must also stress that I am currently not at a dangerously low weight. I came out of a relapse about 10 months ago and have slowly (and I mean, really slowly) been increasing my weight. I am not far from the elusive minimum healthy weight barrier but I must again emphasise that I intend to completely exceed it and find a happy medium where I am healthy and feel (emotionally) happy with myself.
Is anyone else on this road? I would love to hear from you.
All in all, I want to recover.
I hope you will join me on this journey!