This ain’t no walk in the park, my friends.
There are two sides to anorexia: the physical and the psychological. You can’t deal with one and ignore the other, whichever way round you look at it. They both need attention and they both need to be constantly worked on.
In the last month or so, the bumps in the road have been few and far between (for which I am insanely grateful). There have been a few slip ups, a few meltdowns
“I can’t do this anymore!” and one or two hours of serious uncertainty but on the whole, I have been coping very well.
My focus has very much been on the emotional and my mood. I’ve been doing all the right things, the things that work for me. See here for how I manage. I’ve been keeping busy, painting, reading, writing, etc. and frankly it’s gone better than I expected! I’m feeling happy and safe and proud of all I have achieved in the last few weeks.
I haven’t gained much weight. In fact, it’s been minuscule and really not that much to shout about.
Operation: Gain is about the other things, of course, but at its core it is about working on and maintaining a higher, healthier weight.
Physically, I’m not at my peak. As I grow older
(I’m 22 next month) this is something I can’t help but think about. I’m meant to be in tip top condition right now but I’m not even a healthy weight. I don’t want to berate myself here because I know I have been trying.
The fact remains: weight gain is difficult.
Contrary to popular belief, you have to eat considerable amounts before you gain weight consistently. Often it’s more than the magic 3000 calories a day, it’s 3500, sometimes even 4000 (depending on metabolism etc). And it’s kind of hard to squeeze in all the food!
This is even before I factor in the emotional stress.
I definitely need to gain weight though and I am still determined to do it. I guess I just wanted to vent my frustrations and express to you all that recovery isn’t straight forward.
I’m not discouraged though and neither should you be! These challenges pop up (when do they not?!) but they are not designed to discourage us, or prevent us from moving forward.
I know that it is worth it and so I am going to redouble my efforts and see what changes I can implement for tomorrow.