Fear of Excess and Indulgence Prevents Happiness

For the first time, I am beginning to understand how a fear of excess and indulgence is constraining me and restricting my ability to live happily. I believe this is a common fear for people who suffer with eating disorders, anxiety and depression. When I speak of excess, I really mean to speak of the illusion of it and when I mention indulgence I am not referring to food or drink.

In recovery, as in life, we dream of having a full life; a life brimming with colour and love and music and movement. I have always wished for this sort of life and have tried in so many different ways to achieve it.

In the last month –much to my shock- I have been exceptionally happy. This sort of happiness has resided within me very quietly, it is not the euphoric sort of happiness, but a peaceful contentment.

Everything is just so.

mooo
I’m a graduate!

When I look at what I have been doing, it is easy to see how I have reached this point. I have been earning money in a job I enjoy doing, I have seen my family and friends, I have stayed at my boyfriend’s house, partied, I have bought books and traveled a little, graduated from university and kept my weight stable, I have met new people and smiled and laughed, I have eaten out at restaurants and painted and read in my spare time.

Some days have been so lovely that I have reached the end of it and almost sighed in disbelief at how lucky I have been. It’s not that I have been waited on hand and foot, or been traveling to the Bahamas or anything out of the ordinary, I have simply been able to enjoy what I end up doing each day and I have been thankful for it.

I am learning to accept that to be happy is alright. And it is a struggle I can’t quite explain. If it isn’t a voice within me that says “you’re having too much fun”, it’s a “you don’t deserve this” or a “you’re not allowed another good day”. That sense of dull anxiety when I am too happy, or laughing too much or having too much of a nice time is, I expect, incomprehensible to some but is becoming a reality for me. The irony is that these thoughts then dampen my otherwise perfect day!

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Free meals for Alee at work!

I am inclined to put this down to overthinking but the idea that I am simply not used to dealing with feeling and experiencing happiness cannot be overlooked. I am used to dragging myself through the day, I am used to oversleeping and exhaustion and lethargy and misery. I have been to the depths of despondency and I have built my home there. I know it very well. To have left and instead be surrounded by the good and bright and wonderful is a shock to the system.

I have perfected the art of survival and now I must try to thrive in this surreal and colourful world in which I have found myself. It is exciting and fantastic, of course, I would far rather be here than where I was 18 months ago.

I am so proud to have reached a point where I can be happy. I had given up on the idea long ago. It is a strange thing I am going through at the moment, but I shall continue to challenge these silly thoughts.

With happiness, there is no limit. You cannot be too happy, so smile, laugh and love as much as you can!

~Alee

If anyone else has experienced this, do comment below! I’d love to hear from you!

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One thought on “Fear of Excess and Indulgence Prevents Happiness

  1. I 100% get this!! Never feel alone, I’m sure there’s so many like us too!! I’m so happy for you that you have found happiness, it’s strange but it’s a bizarre feeling that sometimes feels too good to be true! Be proud of yourself!! X

    Like

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